Monday, February 23, 2009

Release Party Update

I cannot do the dieting thing. I think it's dangerous on so very many levels: physically, mentally, spiritually, psychologically, and even psychically. It creates obsessive compulsive addiction behavior and I am just too old for that s@*t. I'm a grown woman, not a 15-year-old writing in my diary.

I don't want to "lose" anything. I'd like to lovingly release my excess weight so that I can dance again, in a ballet studio, in a leotard and tights, not baggy sweats. I'm too over heated by peri menopausal hot flashes to hide behind clothes. Summer will be here before I know it and it's time to make some serious changes to my body if for nothing else than my own physical comfort level.

The key to healthy change is routine, clean and simple. That comes from balance. I eat what I want (not always so balanced as much as indulgence) and I exercise as much as I can. As of yet, I have seen no change on the scale but I think scales are for weighing produce and despite what the construction workers say, I am not a muy caliente tomatilla.

I judge by the way my clothes feel and most importantly how my spirit feels. I LOVE to move and be physical, my challenge is having the energy to do so. I am sleep deprived. I haven't slept for more than 2 hours straight in nearly three years. One needs sleep to have the energy to move. When I do sleep I use whatever energy reserves I have for my highest priorities and my goal is to make myself one of those priorities.

Here's some notes from January/February on my process:

Tracy Anderson: trainer to Madonna, Gwyneth and now jd smith. I'm using "The Tracy Anderson Method" (Post-Pregnancy Workout DVD). This woman is Casper the friendly sadist. The day after struggling through the first 15 minutes of the routine I awoke with massive back spasms and was out of commission for a week. Note to self: MODIFICATION!

I am doing better. I just have to be really present when I exercise with how my body is feeling. I have way too many health issues to push myself the way others can. I do push myself more than I should with my energy because I always have so much I want to do. I keep thinking if I could just finish all the projects I have going and not start anymore, I will feel a sense of peace and accomplishment and can therefore make space for me to release my excess weight by exercising more and planning my meals better. I know that's probably never going to happen but I act as if it will nonetheless.

The video is good and speaks to me because she was a dancer, as was I, so the way she uses her body ignites my own muscle memory. Having said that, I think these exercises were created ONLY for people at the fitness level of Madonna so I don't know if it's practical for people like me.

Here's my exercise update today, Monday. Thank you for indulging me as an audience it gives me another reason to exercise as I compose a review to you while doing so. I got back on the horse today. Proud of myself for that. But still did not make it through the entire workout. I had to do a lot of modifications and take breaks. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not at her level so I need to honor my level. I am not getting as discouraged as I have in the past. But I do feel a bit of anxiety at her expectations which is that I do the floor routine (still don't know how long it is, maybe 60-90 mins) in addition to the cardio dance routine SIX DAYS A WEEK. For now I am doing as much of the floor routine as I can every other day and "exercise-beach walks" versus "casual-beach walks" on the alternate days. When I get to the point when I can make it through the entire floor routine I will start adding days and once I can do that one six days a week I will start the cardio, may take a month...or so!

This work is not easy and when you have to put a lot of effort into something you don't want to sabotage that effort. When I do her DVD I eat better throughout the day, make better choices because I want to see the fruits of my labor, maybe that fruit is the kind we weigh at home.

I am still with the program but have yet to reach the point where exercise gives me more energy versus less. For now, the workouts are so hard that I am exhausted the next day. I skipped the past two days because of schedule conflicts and when I wanted to do it today and had the energy I had a toddler preventing me by hurling Leggos at my head. As if these killer moves aren't hard enough without friendly fire in my temporal lobes. I plan to get back to it tomorrow. Have yet to make it through the entire DVD, but will.

Made it through the whole video today! Hip hip hooray! It's the first time that I have hope that this will work for me and change my body back to the butterfly it once was...or at least get me less caterpillar looking. The arms and legs part is more manageable for me than the abs. That is killer and my weakest body part. But the other is great for a dancers muscle memory.

Regarding this "exercise thing.": I have barely made it through three times a week. At some point during every workout with Tracy I actually believe that I am going to die. Which is still a step above yoga which sent me to a coma before killing me (not a yoga fan).

I still have sweat dripping in my ears. Body maintenance is so UN attractive! But I love the way my muscles feel after doing her routine, it's just getting through it that I struggle with. ps her arm routine is the simplest and most effective I have ever done...but none of it is "easy."

Hubby said he is impressed with how defined my stomach is getting. I think he's just trying to seduce me (it's working). I am now at the point where I can get through the entire DVD (60 mins) each time, but I do need to go at a slower pace (so it takes me about 90mins with breaks). There are still about 2 or 3 moves that I skip or modify beyond recognition, but hey, a gals got to do what she can to stay in the game.

Good news is: I crave these workouts. I love the way I feel after one and for the rest of the day. I still need a day off to recover after a day of working out, but I know my recovery time is getting shorter. I am fully committed to this as I find myself skipping things I love in place of rest to prepare for exercise.

I am asking for the cardio workout Tracy suggests, as a birthday gift from hubby. I think I'll get it.

Took a tour of the nearest ballet academy today and am dreaming about taking classes again. May still be a few months from now. We'll see. I feel hopeful. It's a nice feeling.